If you’ve been following this little blog of mine, you’ll know that as I’ve been going through difficult life stuff, some lightbulbs have been turning on over my head.
I had another really big bright lightbulb this week. I’m talking football stadium floodlight wattage here.
It came through a poem my late brother had written. After he died, I sifted through his journals and was taken by the poetry I never knew he wrote. It looked like he wrote it quickly and he rarely made edits. It seemed like the words just flowed out perfectly in the moment, without hesitation.
One poem in particular struck me:
Since I’ve been going to yoga regularly again, my mind has been pulling up pieces of this poem. The connection I made between the two is the reference to light because the first English translation of namaste that I learned is: “The light within me recognizes the light within you.” So the other night, I hauled out the poem and that’s when the lightbulb started glowing.
I went to bed thinking of this poem, marvelling at how much more meaning it holds with all I’ve been trying to work through. My train of thought started with, yes, I can see the light out there, the goal, some form of happiness in the future.
Then it occurred to me that I don’t quite know what that light is. I’ve been fixated on wanting a family and trading this condo for a house again. But a house may not be financially in the cards if I also want other things like vacations. And a baby isn’t going to happen naturally. When I think about whether to adopt, I find myself waffling. So what is it that I really want?
Then came a big revelation. I don’t know what the light is but I have to go towards it anyway.
That was quickly followed by a burst of laughter as I realized I was telling myself to go towards the light. Don’t worry folks, I’m not checking out anytime soon.
Then the deeper meaning settled in with the closing line of the poem: “Now you are here in the light in you.” While we’re all journeying forward in life, we’re also on a journey inward to find happiness in the present moment.
It’s hard for a goal-oriented person to accept not knowing exactly what the future goal is and all the steps to get there. It’s also hard not to dwell on things that brought happiness in the past but are no longer within reach. But this giant bright lightbulb over my head is now seeping into my heart and I’m finally embracing the present.
Here’s a tiny first step: After every course and exam for for my masters degree, I find a stone to mark the progress. Yesterday, I picked a seventh stone to add to the collection on my windowsill. Even though I don’t like where I’m living right now, I picked a stone from my condo building property…something I would have most decidedly not done a year ago.
This is where I am now, and I am finding my light here.